One month and longer reflection
We are on a journey from Germany to Namibia: a journey with a beginning and an end. Life is a journey with a beginning and an end. During the last two years I had a heightened awareness of the brevity of life, my life. I lived my life and suddenly, one day I realized that I’ve probably lived more years of my life than the years left. The Bible says 3 score and one – that makes it 70, give and take and I am 54. That’s morbid thinking some people might say and it could be, and I had the choice to deny and suppress thoughts and feelings or face the reality and come in touch with how I feel about it. I do not enjoy getting older – all the changes in my body, decreased energy and stamina and I especially do not like what the mirror tells me!
I am not looking forward to dying and I wonder if I ought to feel guilty about it? “Do you not want to be with Jesus, enjoy heaven and life everlasting?” I want to feel more excited about it, but I have no idea what to expect and to be honest: I am also scared and that is the root of my problem, the heart of the issue. It throws me back to a familiar place – a place that I’ve hoped I’ve left behind: a place of feeling condemned, judged, guilty and never good enough in the eyes of God – a layer deeper: I do not feel loved and neither do I understand unconditional acceptance or grace – a layer deeper: I do not believe that God loves me; that He is good and that He wants the best for me. Therefore I do not trust God and I am of such weak faith. Why would I then want to look forward to dying or being with Jesus? That’s my feelings.
I know the Bible, I love the Bible and I know what God tells me about Himself; about His-story and I yearn to return to what I discovered and experienced 3 years ago at Face to Face. I walked into God’s embrace; I sat on His lap; I rested my head in His bosom and I felt His all-surrounding love; I saw His eyes - how He loved me and delighted in me. Because I understood and experienced His love, I could appropriate it, enjoy it, but more so it swept out all my fears, insecurities, control issues and expectations and it freed my heart to love without condition, to forgive, to tolerate, to bestow grace and love on others, especially those closest to me: Willie, Hugo, Ruco and Kristi and I could do it not because of myself, my efforts, but because He helped me to allow Him to love me. I basked in the glow of Face to Face for 6-7 months never growing tired of this new found joy and understanding that because my Dad is a King I am a princess!
Shortly after I came back from Face to Face, ominous storm clouds started to build around our work situation. With my new understanding of who God is and what it means to call Him Abba, my Father, my Dad in baby shoes I managed to weather the storm quite well. Several circumstantial things happened that gradually eroded my freshly laid foundation away: I was very excited when asked to help develop a certain strategy for our office and region. Excitement turned to disappointment when this process was stalled for different reasons; 2 weeks upon my return from America, February 2008, we received the news that my team mate whom I traveled with tragically died in a car accident; our move to Germany followed which in itself was extremely stressful and our work situation deteriorated even further.
Ever so softly voices from the past started to whisper in my soul. My focus shifted and I tumbled head long into a state of depression, disappointment and grief. I was robbed of my new found joy, security and trust and I discovered a Caren I’ve not met before – filled with insecurities, distrust and emotional instability. Months of walk, stumble and fall followed turning life into a survival course. Destructive behavior patterns became my taskmaster who tried to trip me all the time. I found myself face in the mud so often that I wanted to give up trying. I hated myself: for doing the things that I purposed not to do; for irrational thinking eliciting irrational behavior. Willie, being the person closest to me, also became the one to whom I often directed the wrath of my frustration, desperation and failure. I’ve lived with depression for almost 20 years, but this was a foreign and new state of mind - an unknown contender for my sanity.
My parents came to visit in the summer of 2010 and my mom encouraged me to go to an OBGYN for an evaluation. She felt menopause was also a factor to reckon with and was she right! Over the last 10 years new friends and family of depression paid visits, but in spite of them, I managed to stay reasonable in control. Now they’ve gradually invaded my being and were taking over control. The OBGYN, in a very German pragmatic way, shook her head and could not believe that it took me 10 years to come to this point. After a thorough examination she concluded that I have “retired ovaries” (that is why I love Germans so much!), and will do well on combination hormone therapy. This was October. It takes time for a ship to change its course as it was going to take time for my body to make the needed adjustments. I wanted to feel hopeful, hang in there, but nothing has changed for me and on the 7th November, after several days of see-saw behavior I told Willie that I need to go to a psychiatric clinic where I can get professional help. I am losing my mind and wreaking havoc in and around me.
8 November: I saw the OBGYN again
9 November: visited a friend who attended F2F and she encouraged me to hang in there and take determined steps towards hope
10 November: I decided I will open my Bible after giving up trying months ago. As I wrote down the date 11-10-2010 I was reminded that this was the day 3 years ago that I walked into God’s embrace and experienced unconditional love and acceptance.- words foreign to me in my current state. As I thanked God for what happened 3 years ago, I felt a heaviness lift from me and I knew it was over! And it was. In a letter to friends close to me I wrote, ‘I cannot explain it and I have no desire to understand it. God did not give Job an answer other than: I am God, the Creator, your Creator, the All-knowing, All-powerful, Almighty God. That is enough for me. “
So back to the beginning…. We are on a journey, but I came to realize during the last 2 months that this is more than an overland from Germany to Namibia, more than ‘going home’. It is all that and more…it is a journey personally designed for me…a journey back to inner healing…a journey where daily I am stripped from rigid patterns that have set into molds of comfort…a journey back to even better, higher, wider, longer, deeper of what I have experienced at Face to Face. Stripping and breaking are painful and I probably have more ‘unfun’ than fun right now, but fun filters through enough to enjoy it and since I have a grasp of what is happening my 54yr old being is working hard to flex with and not fight against.
We are on a journey from Germany to Namibia: a journey with a beginning and an end. Life is a journey with a beginning and an end. During the last two years I had a heightened awareness of the brevity of life, my life. I lived my life and suddenly, one day I realized that I’ve probably lived more years of my life than the years left. The Bible says 3 score and one – that makes it 70, give and take and I am 54. That’s morbid thinking some people might say and it could be, and I had the choice to deny and suppress thoughts and feelings or face the reality and come in touch with how I feel about it. I do not enjoy getting older – all the changes in my body, decreased energy and stamina and I especially do not like what the mirror tells me!
I am not looking forward to dying and I wonder if I ought to feel guilty about it? “Do you not want to be with Jesus, enjoy heaven and life everlasting?” I want to feel more excited about it, but I have no idea what to expect and to be honest: I am also scared and that is the root of my problem, the heart of the issue. It throws me back to a familiar place – a place that I’ve hoped I’ve left behind: a place of feeling condemned, judged, guilty and never good enough in the eyes of God – a layer deeper: I do not feel loved and neither do I understand unconditional acceptance or grace – a layer deeper: I do not believe that God loves me; that He is good and that He wants the best for me. Therefore I do not trust God and I am of such weak faith. Why would I then want to look forward to dying or being with Jesus? That’s my feelings.
I know the Bible, I love the Bible and I know what God tells me about Himself; about His-story and I yearn to return to what I discovered and experienced 3 years ago at Face to Face. I walked into God’s embrace; I sat on His lap; I rested my head in His bosom and I felt His all-surrounding love; I saw His eyes - how He loved me and delighted in me. Because I understood and experienced His love, I could appropriate it, enjoy it, but more so it swept out all my fears, insecurities, control issues and expectations and it freed my heart to love without condition, to forgive, to tolerate, to bestow grace and love on others, especially those closest to me: Willie, Hugo, Ruco and Kristi and I could do it not because of myself, my efforts, but because He helped me to allow Him to love me. I basked in the glow of Face to Face for 6-7 months never growing tired of this new found joy and understanding that because my Dad is a King I am a princess!
Shortly after I came back from Face to Face, ominous storm clouds started to build around our work situation. With my new understanding of who God is and what it means to call Him Abba, my Father, my Dad in baby shoes I managed to weather the storm quite well. Several circumstantial things happened that gradually eroded my freshly laid foundation away: I was very excited when asked to help develop a certain strategy for our office and region. Excitement turned to disappointment when this process was stalled for different reasons; 2 weeks upon my return from America, February 2008, we received the news that my team mate whom I traveled with tragically died in a car accident; our move to Germany followed which in itself was extremely stressful and our work situation deteriorated even further.
Ever so softly voices from the past started to whisper in my soul. My focus shifted and I tumbled head long into a state of depression, disappointment and grief. I was robbed of my new found joy, security and trust and I discovered a Caren I’ve not met before – filled with insecurities, distrust and emotional instability. Months of walk, stumble and fall followed turning life into a survival course. Destructive behavior patterns became my taskmaster who tried to trip me all the time. I found myself face in the mud so often that I wanted to give up trying. I hated myself: for doing the things that I purposed not to do; for irrational thinking eliciting irrational behavior. Willie, being the person closest to me, also became the one to whom I often directed the wrath of my frustration, desperation and failure. I’ve lived with depression for almost 20 years, but this was a foreign and new state of mind - an unknown contender for my sanity.
My parents came to visit in the summer of 2010 and my mom encouraged me to go to an OBGYN for an evaluation. She felt menopause was also a factor to reckon with and was she right! Over the last 10 years new friends and family of depression paid visits, but in spite of them, I managed to stay reasonable in control. Now they’ve gradually invaded my being and were taking over control. The OBGYN, in a very German pragmatic way, shook her head and could not believe that it took me 10 years to come to this point. After a thorough examination she concluded that I have “retired ovaries” (that is why I love Germans so much!), and will do well on combination hormone therapy. This was October. It takes time for a ship to change its course as it was going to take time for my body to make the needed adjustments. I wanted to feel hopeful, hang in there, but nothing has changed for me and on the 7th November, after several days of see-saw behavior I told Willie that I need to go to a psychiatric clinic where I can get professional help. I am losing my mind and wreaking havoc in and around me.
8 November: I saw the OBGYN again
9 November: visited a friend who attended F2F and she encouraged me to hang in there and take determined steps towards hope
10 November: I decided I will open my Bible after giving up trying months ago. As I wrote down the date 11-10-2010 I was reminded that this was the day 3 years ago that I walked into God’s embrace and experienced unconditional love and acceptance.- words foreign to me in my current state. As I thanked God for what happened 3 years ago, I felt a heaviness lift from me and I knew it was over! And it was. In a letter to friends close to me I wrote, ‘I cannot explain it and I have no desire to understand it. God did not give Job an answer other than: I am God, the Creator, your Creator, the All-knowing, All-powerful, Almighty God. That is enough for me. “
So back to the beginning…. We are on a journey, but I came to realize during the last 2 months that this is more than an overland from Germany to Namibia, more than ‘going home’. It is all that and more…it is a journey personally designed for me…a journey back to inner healing…a journey where daily I am stripped from rigid patterns that have set into molds of comfort…a journey back to even better, higher, wider, longer, deeper of what I have experienced at Face to Face. Stripping and breaking are painful and I probably have more ‘unfun’ than fun right now, but fun filters through enough to enjoy it and since I have a grasp of what is happening my 54yr old being is working hard to flex with and not fight against.
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